Rudititude
by Demeter1973
Summary: Dr. Lecter has a new book! He's here with Stephen Colbert to discuss - one shot satire that I hope you'll find appealing . . .


Disclaimer: I do not own Hannibal Lecter or Stephen Colbert (but I think Colbert might be for sale) . . . I do own my own words and actions, and I am a better person for it. Enjoy!

_**Key music and that crazy eagle**_

**Stephen Colbert**: Good evening ladies and gentleman, and welcome back to the Rapport! (Serious face) Nation, as you know, our great country is facing very tough economic times. Unprecedented foreclosures, the weakened dollar, the threat of skyrocketing food prices. Seriously, if it gets any worse, we won't have enough obese people to save "The Biggest Loser." Yes, indeed, a tragedy . . . But, there is an even bigger global crisis looming, from the halls of Congress to the halls of 24 hour Cable News, from your local coffee shop to the DMV, we are facing an epidemic of . . . _rudeness_ [_flashes photo of Joe Wilson_], a lack of civility so severe that it threatens to reduce the good old U.S. of A. to the ranks of the lowest of the barbarian tribes of the globe [_flashes photo of Sarkozy with the Eiffel Tower as a backdrop_]. Nation, our freedom, our ideals, and our very core are at risk, from this infiltration of Rudititude. We do have a glimmer of hope, though, and not just keeping Dick Cheney on ice [_flashes to mock photo of Cheney in cryo chamber_]. My guest tonight has devised a cunning solution that will not only address Rudititude, but also has the capacity to save us from the global recession . . . all with a dash of cilantro and finished with a fabulous creme brulee . . . Here to talk about his new book entitled "Free-range Rude: An Untapped Resource in the Global Fight Against Hunger," please welcome Dr. Hannibal Lecter to the Rapport!

_**More music, Stephen prancing around the studio and giving high-fives to his minions, uproarious applause**_

Colbert approaches Dr. Lecter, reclined in his seat with one leg crossed over the other, hands steepled under his chin and musing. Colbert extends his right hand for a shake . . .

**Colbert**: Dr. Lecter, welcome to the Rapport, thank you for joining us, especially since you are managing such a busy schedule!

**Lecter**: It's a pleasure to be here _Stephen_, may I call you Stephen (shakes Colbert's hand)?

**Colbert**: Of course! It's certainly appropriate for my station (chuckles). So, you've been quite a busy guy? How long do you think we have for this interview before the feds try to get on your schedule?

**Lecter**: Well, I calculate a comfortable 10 minutes, assuming that the young woman three rows back has finished dialing 9-1-1. Could you please turn off your cell phone now, dear? I believe you are disrupting the broadcast.

**Colbert**: Indeed! No need to tweet, either (looking sternly at the audience). If you are here, you are cool enough. And, the signal disrupts the traffic control of my gut instincts, which are telling me now to get to the point. So, Dr. Lecter, about the book. You outline an ambitious proposal to tackle world food shortages, the economy, and civility all in just 250 pages?

**Lecter**: That figure does not include the appendix, which is essential as it contains preparation instructions and recipes, but yes. Excessive verbiage is unnecessary and is the mark of a disorganized mind. I suppose you would like a precis of the material, given the lack of airtime afforded you and the attention span of your viewers, mmmmm?

**Colbert**: I can supply that for discussion, if I may. You propose to make use of the untapped human resources in America, excellent suggestion outsourcing is also killing our economy, the free-range rude. Noting that the stock are already housed and fed, albeit poorly fed, easy to find and relatively easy to capture, this resource is cheap, readily available, renewable, and tastes like chicken.

**Lecter**: Actually, Stephen, the taste is more akin to lean bison, but essentially yes. By culling this particular population, one not only provides a nutritious source of protein, an element missing from the menu in most impoverished nations, but one can also simultaneously liberate housing space, farm land, eliminate government spending on social security, medicare/medicade, and other items that are bankrupting the United States Treasury.

**Colbert**: I see. Now, just to play Devil's advocate here –

**Lecter**: (_wryly, with a smile that shows his small white teeth_) I already have sufficient legal counsel, thank you.

**Colbert**: Really? I would have assumed that your lawyer made a lovely roast?

**Lecter**: No, I reserve those meals for choice cuts. Vegans, really, are the best in that regard. Fed on a pure diet of organic materials free of pesticides, living in calm tranquility, they are quite good. If caught by surprise, one can even avoid filling the muscle mass with stress hormones prior to butchering. Must wash them well first, though, their scent is simply appalling. (_Pause_) My apologies, Stephen, please continue your rather banal argument.

**Colbert**: How about transportation costs? Shipping the stock to the target populations will no doubt be costly.

**Lecter**: Not to mention the greenhouse emissions.

**Colbert**: Now doctor, let's restrict our discussion to "solid science." Climate change is just at natural cyclic phenomenon, nothing at all to do with this liberal conspiracy designed to make us walk to work. Just ask Sarah Palin. Before she left office to avoid the liberal lynch mob, she was about to enact legislation to take advantage of disappearing ice and claim U.S. rights to the Northwest Passage. Revolutionize shipping, that!

**Lecter**: Well, Stephen, had you actually bothered to read the book –

**Colbert**: I don't trust books. All fact, no heart!

**Lecter**: I cover the "heart" most adequately. As I was saying, if you bothered to read the appendix, you would note that transportation is covered under the guise of third world tours provided to the source free of charge. There is nothing that Americans love more than to travel abroad in large, conspicuous, ghastly herds, traveling to places where they can most efficiently consume massive resources while spending the least cash. This will bring a constant supply of fresh rude directly to the populations most in need, while enabling the living rude to stimulate the local economy prior to consumption.

**Colbert**: An excellent suggestion. But to be fair, now, why focus so much on American rude. You know, France has a population of over 61 million?

**Lecter**: Again, Stephen, if you would bother to read the book, not only would you receive ratings on par with Mr. Stewart, you would also know that the range of rude that I propose to harvest exists throughout the world.

**Colbert**: Any chance you'll eat Stewart?

**Lecter**: Kosher recipes will be included in the next edition.

**Colbert**: John Oliver?

**Lecter**: British cuisine is abysmal, really, second only to standard American fare. Aasif Mandvi might prove to be exotically succulent . . . . I shall have to think on it. Really Stephen, we must work on your inferiority complex. But that will have to wait for another visit.

**Colbert**: Right. Well, again, many thanks for stopping by. You are truly the Jonathan Swift of our generation.

**Lecter**: Thank you, Stephen, though I believe the comparisons to Swift will have to wait until the companion to this book. Jo Frost and I are collaborating to work on a children's version. The children, of course, will consume their overly indulgent parents, as the ultimate act of helicopter parenting, if you will.

**Colbert**: Look forward to it. Ladies and gentlemen, "Free-range Rude: An Untapped Resource in the Global Fight Against Hunger" is on shelves now. Hannibal Lecter!

Quickly shakes hands as sirens begin to sound in the background, Lecter makes graceful bow to the audience and leisurely strolls off stage 


End file.
